When depression traps you in bed…

Last night and this morning, depression hit hard again. Normally unable to stay in bed for long in the morning, today I couldn’t get up until almost midday. 

I was awake from 6.30 am though, and spent hours crying and restless but unable to peel the sheets away, lift my head and put my feet on the floor. Lab work was not optional today – I have a few hours worth of cell culture and experiments already in progress that I need to tend to. My friend’s first solo art exhibition is this evening and I want to support her and view her paintings up close. 

I sent a friend a message – someone who also suffers depression and knows exactly what I’m feeling this morning. He didn’t wish me well or say it was going to be ok. Instead, he asked me exactly why I was feeling that way – the answer is I ran out of my meds a couple of days ago – and then he told me I needed to make an appointment immediately to get a new prescription. I obliged, and this simple act of putting something in motion that will actually help me allowed me to pull myself together for a moment. 

I put one foot in front of the other and left my bedroom. I showered for the first time in four days, Washing my hair was beyond me but I filled it with dry shampoo so that wouldn’t stop me leaving the house. I put a bit of extra make-up on to hide the puffiness and dark circles around my eyes. I drove myself to the bus stop. 

Recovery is not about never being depressed again. Those neural pathways are highways for me now – even years of bypass won’t return them quite to a natural landscape again. We will always fall down sometimes. Recovery is about picking yourself up again despite everything. Sometimes we can’t do it alone either. Sometimes a message from a friend is enough, sometimes it will take a lot more and there will be some days where we’ll fail altogether. But we have to keep trying the next day and the next. And not just day to day, but in every moment. 

Right now I still feel close to tears. I’m exhausted and foggy. My eyes are raw as my nerves. I feel overwhelmed if I start thinking of all the tasks the lab demands of me today. But right now, all I must do is focus on making it into town. Then I can worry about just one task at a time, and by putting one foot in front of the other I will eventually get through today. I will succeed even though it will probably take me twice as long as usual. 

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17 thoughts on “When depression traps you in bed…

        • Kerrie says:

          Sorry to hear that! Unfortunately in that position it is virtually impossible for anyone to be able to help 😦 I do hope you can find one moment today to do one thing that helps you, however small. ❤

          • bipolarsojourner says:

            yep, i totally get it that my fix has to come from within. sure, i won’t lie; i was looking for help. not the help loaded solutions that may or may not work, just a willing and empathic ear with some recognition from someone that walks a similar journey as mine and gets it.

            i realize that i am far from perfect on this, forgetting to acknowledge their journey. many times that’s all some needs.

          • bipolarsojourner says:

            please don’t take what i wrote as criticism. just take it as someone who wants to improve their chances of getting the most beneficial support by asking for support that bests works for them.

          • Kerrie says:

            Although I know from personal experience that a willing ear and/or company is often all we need, I still find it difficult to provide this when I’m not there in person so I apologize if my comment offended you at all, I’m guilty of being unsure of how to help in that moment!

            Don’t worry, you haven’t offended me. You’re helping me and others understand how better to support the people around us ☺ Thank you! ❤

          • bipolarsojourner says:

            not offended at all. i am fed by acknowledgments. i’m finalizing a talk on support which will heavily lean towards acknowledgments since they are so under used. even with all that understanding, i find myself offering solutions far too often.

          • Kerrie says:

            They are very much under-used! I think it’s the main reason I like the company of other people who suffer mental illnesses – we can all acknowledge we suffer something profound

  1. MaraExploresJapan says:

    This was very informative. I’ve done the “hope you feel better thing” to my husband, but I’ve been rethinking how I’ve responded to his depression. It really goes against how I was taught to help people. I realize now I’ve a lot to learn about this.

  2. the undomestic writer says:

    These things are quite relatable and not very new to me as I have been into depression many times…its a relapse.
    Even I have written a blog post named “When things fall apart” when my feelings became uncontrollable.I m trying to compose myself everyday.
    Hope you remain happy nd fine.😊

  3. Kerrie says:

    Thank you so much for your comment! I haven’t been so active on here lately but this inspires me to keep going. Helping people like yourself is the reason I’m sharing my experiences and it has really lifted my spirits today knowing I’ve given you hope, thank you! I wish you well with your journey and I hope the depression lifts for you very soon!

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